*To preface, thank you to everyone who helped me get to the Olympics, it is a childhood dream come true and an experience I will never forget. So many people helped me get there and I am forever grateful for your support along the way, no matter how small or large!

When I have been asked about how I feel about my first Olympics I have had trouble formulating my thoughts into words. I just experienced something I have dreamed of for so long. This blog has helped me process my Olympic experience, but I think it will take some time and perspective to fully reflect on the experience. If I had to sum up the experience in a few honest words, it would be that it was a rollercoaster of emotions. I have never wanted something so full-heartedly, with that amount of focus, clarity, and purpose, and that is a really special thing that doesn’t happen often, if at all. I wanted to show what I believe I am capable of and make all of the people who helped me get there proud, which is why I think it made everything feel that more emotional. For once in my life, I journaled for 3 straight weeks while I was there, so I thought I would share some of my highs and lows of the Games and my perspective of what I have processed so far. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts in advance :) I promise I get to some of the fun stuff at the end too! 

I now understand why people say that the Olympics are different, weird, and crazy things can happen. Most of my experience was very different than the racing on the World Cup circuit, yet it still was ski racing. We were at the maximum race altitude, with crazy wind and snow conditions, racing at odd hours of the day. But in a weird way, it still just felt like another race. The lead-up to the Olympics was also unusual, I hadn’t raced in over 5 weeks leading up to the biggest races of my career. A combination of catching a cold, and then World Cups getting canceled elongated the weeks without races. The way I normally “peak” is by racing a lot, so you can imagine that having to figure out how to peak in a completely different way was a bit daunting. But I welcomed the challenge and was excited to put in quality training to prepare at our pre-camp in Livigno! 

I set my expectations of the “Olympic experience” pretty low given the Covid situation and all of the unknowns of being in a “closed-loop” in China, but I told myself that no matter what, I wanted to keep embracing the experience the best I could. Before I knew it, the first week flew by and I was already at the start line of my first Olympic race. Despite the harsh windy and cold conditions, I was super excited for the Skiathlon and truly believed I could have a great race, I had a big smile on my face at the start line. I believed that if I was prepared and ready to fight mentally, it would be a day that I would be proud of.  3km into the race I suddenly felt myself fighting to just finish the race…well, that wasn’t how I expected my first Olympic race to go! I had written down my goals the night before and it wrote “HAVE FUN! ENJOY the JOURNEY!” at the top. Well….I have to admit, I did not have fun. I am realizing now that it is okay, and maybe “having fun” isn’t the right way to word my goal. I also learned that you can be mentally in it, focused and executing your plan, and the race can still go sideways. 

It was one of the toughest races of my life, I was fighting tooth and nail to ski (at what felt like a snail's pace), and no matter how much I fought mentally and physically, I was so blown up that I could barely move and had to claw my way to the finish. I was confused, frustrated, and embarrassed. I asked myself how that could happen, why did it happen, I know I am in much better shape than that. I still don’t entirely know the answer to that. As people say in the show Ted Lasso, “it is the hope that kills you”. Well, in the moment that is how I felt, I believed so strongly that I could have a strong race and felt embarrassed for even thinking that. I tried to process the race by searching for an answer. I won’t ever entirely know what went sideways, but probably a combination of slick skis and altitude led me to blow up to a place of no return, and it was my first race in 5 weeks. Although it was a tough first Olympic race, reflecting back now, it was so challenging because I was fully committed, I wanted it, I believed, and I am realizing now that I far prefer that to apathy or pretending not to care to protect myself from failure.

The Skiathlon was only the beginning, my favorite event the Skate Sprint was only 3 days away. Even though it is sometimes the hope that kills you, it is also one of the things that is my strength and keeps me going no matter what. So I decided to try to “be a goldfish” and shifted my focus forward to the skate sprint, with full belief that anything could happen. We did race prep under the lights as a team and we were ready to send it on race day!

Sprint day was a wild ride of emotions! I executed my plan, qualified well, was focused, and skied well. I took a chance and led my quarterfinal, feeling incredibly strong, but I burned my matches a bit too early and finished 4th in my heat. It wasn’t the day I dreamed of, but it also wasn’t a bad day, it was an average day. It was the day that I had been looking forward to all year and I didn’t know what to feel after. I knew on a good day anything could be in reach, but I gave it my all and that is what I had on the day, an 18th place. So there I was proud of how I prepared, how I turned things around after a big low on Skiathlon day, and how I skied the best I could on the day, yet I was still disappointed with the result. Just like that, it was over in minutes. Thankfully it continued on in an exciting way, Rosie, Jessie and Ben had qualified for the semi-finals so I got bundled up and ran out there to cheer them on! 

The atmosphere under the lights was spectacular and I had a good feeling our team was going to do achieve something big. I cheered my heart out for them, watching them fire off in the start area. In the finals, I took off running with Jessie’s backpack with Zuzana (our PT) carrying Rosie’s backpack, sprinting through the tunnel around to the finish. My heart was racing and I was nervous sweating watching at the finish line as Jessie skied to a 3rd and Rosie to a 4th place. The course was grueling, the temperatures were cold, and the altitude was taxing but they skied strong all day. It was a bittersweet moment, Jessie earning her first individual medal, and Rosie skiing an outstanding race, just off the podium. The arbitrary place 1-3 podium makes 3rd versus 4th feel like a world of a difference, even though they both skied incredible races. That can really summarize why the Olympics can be so heartbreaking or life-changing, often it feels as if nothing matters besides medals. Of course, that is not the case, at least to myself and the people who understand what it takes to even get to the Olympics, but to the general population that sadly is the case. I shed some tears of joy and was grateful to be there in person to witness my teammate and close friend's hard work, focus, and resilience over the years pay off. 

Following the sprint there was a brief moment of relaxation, all the focus and energy I had been putting into the sprint particular had now passed, but then I already had my focus on preparing for the Relay. We were not told the team until 1-2 days before so each person needed to be prepared and ready to go until the start of the race. When I was not selected for the relay team, I was disappointed in myself for not racing fast enough to be the clear pick, it was a goal of mine to get the chance to give it all I had for the team in the relay, team events have always been my favorite. I respected the coaches’ decision and was ready to support the team and help them in any way I could. I did race prep in case our team needed an alternate to be ready, and made sure to get on the course so I could cheer my heart out on race day! 

I started spinning the wheels of my analytical brain, trying to solve the puzzle of if I had missed something the past 5 weeks in the lead up to the Games. Before I had gotten sick, I was racing well and felt I had put together the strongest Period 1 of World Cup racing yet. Was I in good form at the Olympics and didn’t quite fit the pieces together to show it in my 2 race starts, or did I not prepare in an optimal way? Was it something in my control or out of my control? It is still a question I ask myself now and will take some time to decipher if I even do at all. 

After I knew that I had no more race starts, Hailey, Hannah and I realized that we weren’t fully embracing the Olympic experience and needed to start having some fun…. it was time to get out of our little apartment/village and explore the boundaries of the “closed-loop”! I had been so focused on the races that I hadn’t really experienced all that much at the Games. I felt a bit trapped all the time, fenced in the village with no where to go and strict Covid restrictions. We attended 4 events in person, Biathlon, Women’s Aerials Finals, and Men’s and Women’s Ski Halfpipe Finals. It was so cool to cheer on other athletes from Team USA, many of which I knew to some extent, and hang out with other staff and athletes watching. 

We rode our bikes around the tiny village (took about 8min to run the perimeter), traded pins with other nations, did a VR simulator, wore different fun Team USA outfits, went on walks in the village, and laid on the weirdly hot heated floors and had heart-to-hearts. Our team got into playing team knockout mini basketball in the Team USA Athlete Resource Center room and that was by far the most energizing and social thing I did all Olympics. It was the highlight of my day any day we did it, yet it had nothing to do with the Olympics at all, it was the one time I felt like a normal person just hanging out with friends. Honestly, those will be the memories that I think will last with me the longest. Sure, I will remember my first Olympic race (although my mind wants to just block that out that tough experience), but the funny little moments embracing the experience with my friends like the goofy faces we made at full body temperature security camera as we waited for the bus will be what I look back on the most. It comes full circle to my belief that you have to embrace the journey, the highs wouldn’t be high without the lows, and sometimes you just have to ride the wave as it takes you. Having friends, teammates, and loved ones to ride that journey with makes it that much better. 

To close it off, I got to be Jessie’s helper/buddy for the closing ceremonies where she received her 30km silver medal (yeah that also happened!). The closing ceremonies were the most “Olympic” feeling of the entires Games, we got be on the floor of the massive stadium and soak it all in. The production and performances were really cool, and it was extra special and epic for Jessie to get her medal at closing ceremonies! We laughed our way through the night with tired, bonked giggles, eating snicker bars and crackers until we got some dinner and ate it on a hot floor at midnight. 2 hours of sleep later we headed to the airport for a heck of a long travel day from China to Finland that took somewhere around 30 hours. 

I am incredibly thankful to have experienced the full range of emotions at the Olympics, I learned a lot about myself as a person and athlete, and achieved a childhood dream of mine. It would have been exciting to have a perfect day at the Olympics, but in reality that doesn’t usually happen, and by working through the challenges, I grow as a person and athlete, and it makes the good times that much sweeter. I put my full heart and focus into doing the best I could, and that is something I will always be proud of. I don’t think there will be many times in my life where I will know 110% exactly what I want and what my purpose is, so I am grateful for the chance to experience and embrace that.

There are way too many people I want to thank for helping me get there, who supported me in all of the small and big ways that matter. A special shoutout to my family for being behind me every step of the way, my close friends who were there to chat for both the tears of joy and disappointment, the U.S. Ski Team and my home club SMS T2, my current and former coaches, my wax tech Eli Brown and the rest of our wax staff who work tirelessly behind the scenes, my teammates who push me and lift me up, the medical professionals who have helped patch my body together too many times, my sponsors, and everyone cheering at home. THANK YOU! <3 

So what’s next?! Well, we continued on with racing on the World Cup and things have been going really well. In the last two weeks, I have found my stride with my body feeling ready to fire, in the best form it has been, and my mind happier than it has been in a while. I have had a great few weeks embracing something resembling more normalcy, being able to go in a store to buy groceries, grab a coffee, hang out with teammates, go for sunset soul walks, and drink a casual beer. Maybe those things seem pretty standard, but our team’s number one goal was to get to the Games healthy and we did everything in our power to protect ourselves. However, the last few weeks have also been a reminder of the importance of balance, so when I am able, it is important to maintain some normalcy on the road! I have skied some personal bests, with my best classic sprint to date with a bittersweet 7th in Drammen and 4th in Falun, and back-to-back PR CL distance results with a Top 30 in Lahti and a 23rd in the iconic Holmenkollen! Mid Olympics I was really looking forward to the end of the season, but in a turn of events, I am riding the high right now and want there to be more racing! Unfortunately, WC Finals got canceled, so this past weekend was the final World Cup of the season. I have one more week of racing in Whistler for SuperTour Finals and I am excited and ready to give it all I got and enjoy the last week of racing before the season officially comes to a close. That is it for now, but I might have more thoughts later :) 

Julia